Cut off and lonely
My story starts with an experience you know for sure. As a teenager I felt pretty lonely and cut off. Even when surrounded by many people, I felt lonely. There was an emptiness in me that nothing and nobody could fill. No relationship could fill that void. No external success could satisfy me permanently. Something was missing. And the worst part was that I did not even know what I was missing. Like many other people, I started a search. I was looking for political activism (nonsense), striving for success and achievement (nil) and looking for the perfect partner to make me happy (Wow, that did not work either).
The door opens inwards
The midlife crisis came to me slightly earlier than others. I was in my early twenties when I suddenly felt that I could no longer. I did not want to fight anymore. I did not want to wait to finally be loved. I did not want to carry my inner emptiness for a walk.
Because I could not think of anything else, I sat on my mattress in my small studio apartment (I did not have a bed) and closed my eyes. A soft thought touched me: "I have searched all possible ways. But all these ways led to the outside, away from me. What if the answer is inside me? What if what I'm looking for is inside me? "
So I sat there with my eyes closed, waiting eagerly for the big experience. I have to smile when I think back to this moment. I had such huge expectations. I wanted the unbelievable wisdom, the golden trumpets and the spiritual fireworks - but please after three minutes, because I could not stand to sit still longer. Oh Arven! 😉
Ultimately, in my first experiment I only felt - nothing. Well, not really nothing, but almost nothing. There was a hint of peace, a hint of warmth, but certainly not what I expected.
"Maybe you have to train that?" I asked myself. And already a daily practice was born. I started to breathe softly every day and listen inwards. Sometimes I was impatient and wanted to feel more, sometimes I was happy because something more open.
The loving voice
Because I had a thousand questions at this stage of my life, I began to let my questions fall into my mind, like pebbles into a still lake.
"How do I collect enough money to pay my rent?"
"How do I find a new apartment?"
"What is my purpose?"
And the amazing thing was that out of the silence within me came vague hunches. It was as if something was trying to answer me.
I noticed that I could hardly perceive anything when I was circling in my mind and hanging in my mind. But when I breathed softly, became present in my body and sank into my stomach, soft hints suddenly appeared.
Were the words I heard? No, rather vague feelings, moods and hunches.
In the meantime, after many, many years of daily practice, I can better understand this language. In the beginning, it was quite tedious. I always had to ask, "Should I force myself to do this job or should I rather rest? Should I take this appointment or cancel? "With each question I sank deep into my stomach and waited.
Over time, I became aware of how loving this voice is that speaks to me.
I have experienced her as patient, encouraging and compassionate. Exactly these qualities I needed then. I felt like an orphan found by loving parents and gradually returned to a loving path.
Over time, I noticed that I am in touch with my soul.
Why does it hurt?
For many years, through my daily practice, I have established a relationship with my soul. I realized how much my life has changed as a result. ,
However, as nice as it may sound to get in touch with one's soul - we often feel not only love and salvation, but a deep anger and a great feeling of disappointment if we want to heal our deep connection. I know how many tears I cried and how angry and desperate I threw my pain to my soul's feet. I accused her of leaving me alone. I have accused her of delivering me alone and defenseless to all the painful experiences in my childhood.
"Why did you just watch and make me suffer like that?"
That was the thorn in my heart.
That was the wound I could not forgive.
Angry at the soul
The more I felt confident enough to share my true feelings with my soul, the more she surprised me. She was not flippant or arrogant, she had no unctuous wisdom for me that would talk my pain down.
My soul held me in my grief.
My soul held me in my anger.
My soul showed me her love. New in every breath. She held the ocean of my tears and the mountain of unredeemed pain. She helped to heal the wounds of my past. Again and again I said to her: "I am so broken. I'm so broken inside. Others may have a happy childhood and can walk into their lives with confidence and dare to show their abilities, but I'm sitting here, having one anxiety after another and feeling like a bunch of garbage. "
But my soul did not let up.
Where I saw a pile of garbage, she saw a potential for healing and change.
She promised me that we would catch up on everything I did not get in my childhood. She promised me that we will heal everything that is broken. Breath by breath, she patted me up again. My heart started to heal. I started to feel love again. Love for myself and love for other people.
But my soul was not content that I continue to crawl in a quiet corner. No, she lured me step by step from my hiding place. She showed me who I am and what skills I have. She pushed me lovingly into the middle of my destiny.
I wanted to survive and my soul wanted me to live.
When the soul is lost in everyday life
One question I'm often asked is that while it is possible to connect to the soul for brief moments, then in everyday life it happens that we lose the connection to it again. Why is that?
I give you the explanation my soul gave me when I went through this hide and seek phase with her.
She told me, "Look for so many years, you sat in your gray grief. I'm slowly bringing you to light. But if it gets too much for you, then your first impulse is to go back to the cave quickly. I'm not leaving you, "said my soul. "You run away."
But my soul did not find that tragic. No, she made a game of it. No matter how many times I ran, no matter how many times I returned to my gray cave, I was always allowed to come back to her.
The more I got to know the love of my soul, the more violent was my discomfort when I hid from her again. That was a good thing, because that gave me a lot of motivation to return.
No matter how long we have gone, there is a love waiting for us. There is a love that knows our true name. She is waiting to take us in her arms. It does not matter where we were and how gray and dusty we return - the only thing that matters is that we return.
Over time, our trust grows. Our roots are anchored in this love. We grow and prosper. Warmed by the sun, washed clean by the rain.
We wake up.
𝔏𝔬𝔳𝔢 & 𝔏𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱𝔰 (¯`·._)𝒜r𝓋𝑒𝓃 ♥.•´¯`•.¸¸.•..:*´¨`*:.☆💗